he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
