at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
