im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
