you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
