we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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