My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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