I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
