hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
