so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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