i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We talked him into tasing himself.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
