You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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