Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
