our cab driver is having phone sex.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
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