"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
