tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
