also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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