I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
