Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
