im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
