Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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