you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
