Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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