No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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