Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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