You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
