you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
