woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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