i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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