Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
