ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
COCAINE IS GR8
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
