i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
