I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
