I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You can't special order awesome
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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