My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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