When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
