I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
