i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
