Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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