This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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