she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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