I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
