You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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