Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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