last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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