Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
