Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
