i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
