Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
