my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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