I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
